Foolmetal Alchemist
by eth Nargy
Summary: Basic stupidity, Envy gets attacked by fangirls, Mustang is covered by women, etc. Miroku even makes an appearance, so you KNOW it's quality material! Pfft, as if...
1. To Stupidity and Beyond

Uhh...for some reason, my other submission of this story got deleted or something. At first, it wouldn't let me access the reviews, and then it just said "Story cannot be found."  
Now it just completely disappeared from my records, no trace of it or anything, no email alert, nothing. Was it deleted, lost, explodified, what? IS IT BECAUSE I SAID GAY? TOO MUCH ASS-FONDLING? UNPROVOKED MIROKU ENTRANCE? D8  
If someone could tell me what most likely happened, I'd be very happy, and possibly even give that person a cookie!  
So, I'm uploading it again.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

This started as an AIM convo, so it's pretty stupid.

* * *

One fine day, for absolutely no reason, Envy decided to go on a refreshing walk in the brisk morning air. 

However, since the author felt like being a bastard, he suddenly releases a cageful of Hughes fangirls directly in Envy's path. After some confusion, they spot Envy and come at him with torches and pitchforks! Envy, being the clever little Homunculus that he is, turns into Hughes.

Envy: He went that way. (points somewhere to his left)

But that was where Envy made a fatal mistake. He could only compare his experience to the depths of Hell as the raging fangirls enveloped Hughes-Envy and smothered him into nothingness.

Envy: Oh dear lord!

Thankfully, Envy managed to free himself from the rabid fangirls and attempted to run.

Suddenly, Ed magically appeared and used his trademark SPINNING BRAID OF DEATH! Omg ph34r

Envy is lashed into the air and does several rather lovely spins before slamming down face-first onto the asphalt. He looks up only to see a smirking Ed staring down upon him.

Giant hand comes down from sky and writes "And then Ed kissed Envy"

Ed and Envy look at the sky in disgust.

Ed and Envy: THIS ISN'T A GAY FANFIC WTF MAN!

Author: Ok, Ok, fine…

But suddenly, to most everyone's relief, Ed evaporates for no reason…

Envy: HOORAY!

…and is replaced by mass of writhing Ed fangirls, all of which have seen episode 50.

Envy: AUGHHHH!

The homicidal group draws closer and closer to Envy…but then Mustang appears, accompanied with heroic music!

Mustang: ROY TO THE RESCUE!

Mustang tries to save Envy by using his MINISKIRT RAIN OF DOOM to stop the mass of fangirls! But then, all the fangirls combine into one giant fangirl of death…AND SHE'S HOT! And, to Mustang's great joy, she's WEARING A MINISKIRT! Mustang jumps upon her shoulder and leads the sudden and unexplained charge against Envy, only to be shot down by Hawkeye.

Scar comes from nowhere, wearing a miniskirt. Ed, who has reformed his atoms, bursts out laughing and is demobilized, allowing Scar to kill him. The giant fangirl turns on the poor Ishbalan.

Fangirl: ME BITE OFF HEAD!

Scar: Oh shit noes!

Scar runs away into the sunset, yelling something about the wrath of Ishbal.

All of a sudden, Al comes in and reveals himself to be...

STEVE FROM THE DELL COMMERCIALS! DUN DUN DUUUUUN! This shocks everyone, allowing Miroku to freely grope Hawkeye and the giant fangirl while they sit in their stupor. The giant fangirl notices a slight tickling sensation and notices Miroku fondling her ass…

Miroku: I assure you, my intentions are purely honorable!

He ducks as a giant (but sexy!) fist comes swinging through the air towards him.

Miroku: (screaming like a frightened schoolgirl) I JUST WANT YOU TO BEAR MY CHILDREN, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Just as it looks like all hope is lost, Mustang and Miroku team up to deliver their TEAM COMBO MINISKIRT ASS GRAB OF DOOOOOOM! Armstrong, feeling left out, rips his shirt off and rushes in to demonstrate the correct way to grope girls in miniskirts.

Armstrong: (Preparing to touch the giant fangirl's butt while somehow flexing the whole time) THIS IS THE TECHNIQUE FOR STROKING WHICH HAS BEEN HANDED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENER-(Armstrong is crushed to a pulp as the giant fangirl sits on him, creating a dust cloud of pink sparkles)

All of a sudden, Envy pops back up out of a gopher hole and checks to make sure the fangirl is gone.

Mustang: (Noticing Envy) LET THE HUNT BEGIN! (fires shotgun into the air)

Miroku, seeing that the giant fangirl is now sitting, gets into position and prepares for his attack…and is flung into the distance, landing on the Goodyear blimp.

Envy runs as fast as his disturbingly unclothed legs can, in hopes of escaping the psychotic FMA crew, when Wrath unexpectedly pops out from behind a bush and glomps onto Envy's legs. Envy trips over the idiotic youngster and goes rolling down a grassy hill. Unfortunately, this hill was the place where Izumi had momentarily taken residence…for no reason at all. Crashing through her window, Envy gets up and surveys his surroundings for the .02 seconds he can before he is kicked in the head and makes an Envy-shaped hole as he flies out of the hill. Wrath, still attached to his leg, starts to whine that he needs to be bottle-fed by mommy.

Conveniently, Winry had just set up a babysitting service right on that same hill. So, leaving the child in her care, Envy resumes running from Mustang and his hunting gang. However, Envy soon finds himself face-to-face with the edge of a cliff! He gets down on his hands and knees and starts to pray to whichever god he can, when all of a sudden, a pink bubble floats down from the sky.

Bubble: Envy, you've always had the ability to go home whenever you wanted! Just click your- wait, you don't have any recognizable shoes...I suppose you can clap your hands together 3 times, or someth-

For no reason, a door shows up out of nowhere.

Door: No, no! Shut up you blabbering fool! He's just been asleep all this time!

The door handle opens its mouth and shows Envy sleeping on a tree. The sight of a sentient door was too much for poor Envy, and he decided to risk jumping off the cliff rather than trust a glowing pink bubble or some wacked-up talking door. Gluttony was coincidentally walking along the bottom of that very cliff, and looked up to see what the hell was screaming and getting closer and closer. Envy landed on poor Gluttony and was bounced to safety by Gluttony's flab.

"THERE HE IS! HI HO, SILVER! AWAAAAAAAAAY!" yelled Mustang as he and his troops looked over the cliff.

Ed, who is alive now because of some divine intervention, came up with the ingenious plan to transmute Alphonse/Steve into a parachute for all of them! However, seeing as he was made of metal, this turned out to be less than intelligent. Thankfully, that expendable guy who always hung out with Lt. Ross was on the bottom, and therefore nobody that mattered got hurt. Mustang, prying himself away from the others, untangled the rest of them and proceeded with the chase. Leaving that guy there to rot.

* * *

By this time, Envy was safely tucked away in a barrel when he just remembered he had the astounding ability to change his appearance! As Mustang and the rest of them passed Envy, Mustang thought something about the strange person looked familiar. 

Mustang: You haven't by chance seen some green-haired skirt-wearing she-male pass by here, have you?

Envy: WHAT YOU SAY-I mean no sir, I haven't.

Mustang: Are you sure you haven't seen him? Say, you're wearing awfully familiar shoes...

Envy: Erm...well...This brand is becoming wildly popular in some parts of Asia…

Mustang: I see...You also seem to be wearing the same type of headband thing. HELL, YOU'RE WEARING THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT!

Envy: Uhh...I beat him up and stole his clothes?

Mustang: BUT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T SEE HIM! JESUS, YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Envy: Uh…err...No I don't!

Mustang: Oh yeah...his hair is green...yours is a distinct shade of vermilion. Sorry to trouble you, sir.

All of a sudden, Ed swings out of a tree and collides with Envy.

Ed: DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU! IT'S A DISGUISE! IT'S REALLY...

Ed pulls at Envy's face in an attempt to remove his "disguise".

Envy: WTF OW SHIT MAN! (Envy's hair changes back to green due to the excessive pain caused by having his face nearly torn off)

Mustang: HEY! THAT GUY NOT ONLY STOLE ENVY'S CLOTHES, BUT HE STOLE HIS HAIR TOO! AFTER HIM! Ed, I want you to continue looking for Envy while we catch this thieving felon!

Ed: ...ok

Ed wanders off into the woods as Mustang climbs on Hawkeye and spurs her into a full gallop.

Mustang: ONWARD!

After walking for a while, Ed comes to a clearing in the middle of the woods.

Ed: I'm bored. I wish something cool would happen.

Lust floats down dressed in a harem costume.

Lust: Your wish is my command!

A casino suddenly materialized out of nowhere!

Ed: OMFG LEIK COOL!1

Lust: Now if it pleases master, I would like to make wild rambunctious love to-

Ed transmutes her into coins to use in his gambling spree.

Ed: Gonna win Momma Winry an English muffin!

* * *

Elsewhere… 

Continuing onwards, Mustang prods Hawkeye until she can take no more and collapses from fatigue. Mustang leaves her in the care of Greed, because they were good buddies as kids. Looking back at Greed's house, he figures that Hawkeye will be just fine. He ignores the sign reading "Greed's Quality Hoes: You bring 'em, we pimp 'em!" as he continues with his tireless efforts to subdue Envy.

Several hours later, somewhere in the woods…

Al: Nii-san, you're going crazy! Mom told us gambling wasn't any good!

Ed: (surrounded by empty Starbucks cups) SHUT UP ALPHONSE! (transmutes his automail into yet more coins)

Al: Nii-san, you shouldn't waste your money on gambling! Take a look at our extensive line of premium Dell PCs instead...

Al shoves his pamphlet into Ed's face, and is promptly transmuted into a pile of coins.

Al: NII-SAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ed: QUIET, AL! I'LL HIT THE JACKPOT IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

Al: But we're supposed to be following the Colonel's orders!

Ed: THE COLONEL CAN BITE MY SHINY METAL- wait, I don't have a metal ass. Nor is it shiny. Well, he can bite YOUR shiny metal ass! Wait, you're a pile of coins, you don't have an ass anymore, but you ARE shiny and metal! MAYBE IF WE COMBINE, I CAN SHARE MY ASS AND YOU CAN SHARE YOUR SHINY METALNESS! THEN WE CAN TELL THE COLONEL TO BITE OUR SHINY METAL ASS TOGETHER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (downs several more coffees)

Al: ...

Ed: Anyway since I'm missing my artificial limbs now, Mustang can't possibly expect me to go on a mission in this condition!

Ed proceeds to shove Al-coins into the slot machine as none other than Havoc walks in! SURROUNDED BY BABES! Havoc's good fortune was not to last, however, as Envy ran by, followed by Mustang. Mustang is soon covered in miniskirt-clad women as Havoc starts to sob.

Havoc kicks Ed out of the way and pops a coin into the machine.

Ed: HEY WTF I WAS SO HERE FIRST!

Havoc miraculously wins due to the author's inability to have original ideas! Ed's screams are cut short as he is buried under a pile of coins. Havoc's eyes light up as he rushes to the coin exchange booth…and demands to trade them in for 500 sticky hands.

Casino Coin Woman: Uh...sir, we only trade those coins in for money-

Havoc: WHAT THE HELL! I'M AN HONEST HARD WORKING MAN AND I DEMAND STICKY HANDS! AND NOT THOSE FREAKING CHEAPASS ONES THAT FALL APART WHEN YOU WASH THE DIRT OFF THEM! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY! I'LL MAKE YOU ALL PAY!

Cackling madly, Havoc storms out of the casino, leaving his pile of coins on the counter. Ed rushes up and attempts to grab the coins, but he can't reach them! Ed collapses on the ground and cries uncontrollably.

Ed: If only I hadn't turned Alphonse into a pile of coins!

Mustang peeks through the mountain of topless women covering him and notices Ed.

Mustang: Fullmetal, why aren't you looking for Envy? I gave you strict orders!

He notices that Ed is lying on the ground kicking and screaming due to his inability to reach the coins.

Mustang: Really, Fullmetal, there's no need to stand.

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE COULD- (Ed suddenly notices Mustang is covered by women)

Ed: Colonel, if this is a bad time...

Mustang: (Muffled) Nonsense, Fullmetal, what gave you that idea?

Everyone was silent until…wrenches came crashing down through the glass! Winry, dressed in a ninja outfit, leaps down from the window.

Winry: EDWARD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR AUTOMAIL?

Ed backed into a corner as Winry came towards him, an evil glint in her eyes. Her hand rested on a Shuriken-shaped wrench.

Ed: I uh...well you see...Alphonse made me do it!

Al: (Still a pile of coins) WHAT? YOU WERE THE ONE WHO-

Ed transmuted what was left of Al into an automail leg and ran out of the casino, Winry in pursuit, leaving Mustang and his horde of lovers behind.

* * *

As Winry's war cries faded away, Ed came to rest in a field of daffodils. As he sat looking at the clouds, Envy suddenly appeared and tripped over Ed's face. 

Envy: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE PLANTED, YOU BEAN!

Ed: WHAT THE HELL I WAS JUST LAYING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS...Is that...a butterfly net you're holding?

Envy: Uh...NO (hides it behind his back) IT'S A...UM…It's a TUBA!

Ed: Why Envy, being musically talented is nothing to be ashamed of. Can I play it?

Envy thought frantically for an excuse to get out of revealing what he was hiding behind his back.

Envy: Um...well…uhh… the label says "Keep out of reach of children and/or beans." Sorry, but I can't let you play with this or I'd get in trouble for neglecting to utilize proper child safety measures.

At this point, Ed's face matched quite lovely with the shade of his coat.

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN INFANTILE BEAN WHO CAN'T BE SEEN WITH AN ELECTRON MICROSCOPE EVEN WHEN HE'S RIGHT UP AGAINST THE LENS ON A WHITE BACKDROP AND A SPECK OF DUST SEEMS LIKE AN ELEPHANT NEXT TO WHICH COULDN'T EVEN CRUSH HIM BECAUSE HE'D SLIP IN BETWEEN THE GROOVES OF ITS FEET AND BE SAFE FROM ANY HARM?

Envy was blasted backwards by the explosion of air resulting in this outburst…

Bill Nye: Also known as Edward's Power Breath! WELL NOW YOU KNOW!

…right into the awaiting deathtrap known as...MAES HUGHES!

Hughes: Well hello there! Would you like to take a look at…oh, just some random pictures I have?

Envy: Please God no. Didn't I kill you?

Hughes: YOU WOULD? GREAT! THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL ELICIA! ISN'T SHE AMAZING? SHE CAN ALREADY COUNT TO 5 AND EAT HARD FOODS! SHE'S SO AMAZING! YESTERDAY SHE EVEN PICKED UP A SPOON ALL BY HERSELF! ISN'T SHE SOMETHING? SHE'S LIKE MY OWN LITTLE ANGEL OF CUTENESS WHO HOVERS IN MY MIND WHEREVER I GO! YESTERDAY, I NOTICED HER HAIR HAD GROWN BY .8 OF AN INCH! AND SHE DID A CUTE LITTLE BURP! OH, SHE'S JUST SO ADORABLE! JUST ONE LOOK AT HER AND ALL YOUR TROUBLES WILL MELT AWAY! I KNOW YOU WANT TO LOOK AT MORE PICTURES OF HER! WHAT'S THAT? YOU WANT TO GO TO HER BIRTHDAY PARTY? WHAT? YOU'LL PAY FOR HER COLLEGE EDUCATION? SHE'LL BE SO HAPPY!

Envy: JESUS CHRIST MAN, NOW I KNOW WHY THE PRODUCERS HAD YOU OFFED HALFWAY THROUGH THE SERIES!

Hughes: I KNOW! BUT TAKE A LOOK AT SOME MORE PICTURES! YOU'LL BE SURE TO LOVE THEM! (crams pictures into Envy's mouth)

Envy: GRAAH PTHT!

Envy spits the pictures out, which fall into some mud.

Hughes: NOOOOO! ELICIA! (scoops the pictures up and attempts to lick the mud off) Don't worry, baby! Daddy will save you!

Hughes runs off clasping the muddied pictures to his chest, tears streaming behind him. Envy watched the lunatic bound away and shook his head sadly.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the woods… 

The casino was a disaster area. Bras, panties, and miniskirts littered the slot machines as Mustang lay there amongst some 30 or so women. Mustang's…erm…"fun" was interrupted as Greed suddenly burst through the doors, accompanied by Hawkeye who was wearing an extremely revealing outfit. Greed then demanded that Mustang hand over his lovers.

Mustang: What? Why should I, they're perfectly happy with me!

Greed: So? I'm more deserving of them!

Mustang: No you're not! You're greedy as hell and you just want to lead them back to your place! THAT'S WHY YOUR NAME IS GREED!

Greed: Just…just for some tea! And possibly some crumpets!

Mustang: NO! Not even for half a cup.

Greed: I bet you're just jealous that I have Hawkeye and you don't.

Mustang: No! That's not it! I just…I'm MORE PIMPIN' THAN YOU!

Several people gasp, and then a hush falls over the crowd.

Greed: …Oh, is that so?

Mustang: Yes! Very MUCH so!

Greed: You've got some nerve challenging my title like that. PREPARE TO BE SHOT DOWN BY PURE PIMP!

Several hours later, after many insults and a pimp-off…

Mustang: Looks like we're evenly matched…however, since I had the women first, you've got no choice but to leave them with me!

Greed: It seems that you're forgetting one major thing. I have the pimp glasses, whereas you don't. And the pimp glasses dominate any of your pathetic attempts at pimpdom. Now fork them over, glove-boy.

Mustang: I…I…but….

Mustang slumped to his knees in defeat. He knew the war was over, and he had lost. Tears dampened his pyrotex gloves as Greed led the women who had been flocking around Mustang just minutes before away.

* * *

Well that was all pointless. 

TO BE CONTINUED MAYBE POSSIBLY 8O


	2. Gratuitous Violence Towards Pastries

I still don't own FMA. If I did, I'd force Envy to put on some damned clothes.

This chapter isn't as random as the first, but it's still hopelessly retarded.

HARSH LANGUAGE occupies this chapter! Ok, not much, but the dreaded F WORD! RUN!

* * *

Mustang wallowed in his self-pity. How could he fail at what he does best? The recent string of events took their toll on Mustang's emotional well-being, and he grew angry with himself. 

Mustang: How could I let myself be defeated so easily? There was no way I could lose. No way! And I was defeated…by some POSER! My mother wanted me to be the best pimp I could, and I failed her. (buries face in hands and cries)

Mythical Voice: No, she wanted you to support her medical expenses, you ass. She ended up dying because you were too busy trying to complete your Beanie Baby collection to pay attention to her.

Paying no attention to the voice, Mustang bolted upright and stormed out of the casino in the direction of Greed's house. But first…

The phone rang, once, twice, three times.

Mysterious Person: Hello, how may I help you?

Mustang: Yes, I'd like to order several cartons of your merchandise…

* * *

With no evidence that he was being pursued, Envy sat upon a tree stump and began to think. He sat and he sat, and sat, and sat, and sat some more… 

Envy: GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!

Anyway, after a while, the constant thinking proved to be too much for Envy to handle-

Envy: That was uncalled for.

...and he began to nod off. He then had very naughty dreams involving Lust and Winry, and a hot tub, and possibly some Hot Pockets, but we won't go there.

Envy blearily opened his eyes and was surprised to find Wrath looking down at him.

Envy: Didn't I abandon you somewhere? Yeah! I left you at that girl's babysitting service! What are you doing here? STOP STALKING ME!

Wrath: But…but…I miss my mommy! Can you take me back to her?

Envy: I'm thinking no.

Being a child, Wrath was already emotionally unstable, and the countless beatings delivered to him by Envy didn't help this. Ever prone to emotional breakdown, Wrath found the stress too much for him to handle and began to cry. Again.

* * *

We now shift over to Ed and Al, who was able to be reformed using a mix of sewer pipes and soda cans… 

Ed: So, Al, any idea where we're headed?

Al: Not really, Ed…I think the author is running out of ideas.

Ed: Wait…weren't we supposed to be looking for someone?

Al: Now that you mention it, Nii-san, waffles DO taste better with syrup than butter.

Ed: …What the hell?

Al: NII-SAN! I just remembered what we were supposed to be doing! The colonel asked us to go track down Envy!

Ed: Oh yeah…well in that case, let's get going!

Suddenly, a familiar shadow steps out from Dunkin' Donuts, clutching what appears to be a Bavarian Cream.

Ed and Al: Oh no! It's Scar! And he's wielding cream-filled goodness!

Scar: Stop right there, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric.

Ed: You know, you can just call me Fullmetal, Edward, or even Ed. It's pretty annoying when you refer to me by my full name and title…

Al: Nii-san! You should respect your elders!

Ed: What the hell Al, he's been trying to kill me for like…two and a half years now! How am I supposed to kiss his ass when he's been using me as a target?

Scar: (mumbles) Well it's no fun for me either, going after a target when it's so damned small…

Al: True, Ed, but that's no reason to forget your manners. Remember; do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

Ed: To hell with your idealistic notions Al, I'm gonna finish this once and for all! I'M NOT LETTING YOU GET AWAY ALIVE, SCAR! MARK MY WORDS!

Scar: I have nothing to fear, as Ishbal loves me and will protect me from harm.

Before Scar could finish his sentence, Ed had already transmuted his automail into a blade and was dashing towards him. Ed raised his arm and…

Scar: _No! It's over…_

Scar toppled to the ground, silently cursing the miniscule alchemist. Dazed, he searched the ground frantically.

Scar: Where is it? Where?

And then he saw it: his doughnut, half eaten and oozing succulent frosting…covered in dirt and filth.

Cradling the now inedible pastry in his arms, he swiftly got to his feet and turned to face the Elric brothers, a look of disgust plastered on his face.

Scar: You may have triumphed this time, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric…but next time you won't be so lucky…next time…

Cursing the brothers under his breath, Scar clambered onto the rooftops and was soon out of sight.

Ed: Well that was a spectacular waste of time. Let's get going, Al! …Al?

Al looked back at the place where Scar had been happily enjoying his powdered treat, unseen tears brimming to his red eyes.

Al: …Yeah…I'm coming.

* * *

Mustang was ready. All his careful preparations would soon pay off. His muscles tensed, his jaw stiffened. His whole reputation was on the line; he couldn't afford to wimp out now. 

Mustang: Alright Mustang, it's now or never. Just go into that house and claim the title which is rightfully yours. You can do this. Ready…set…

Greed's door burst open with a mighty crash as Mustang stepped through the entrance.

Greed: Well, well, if it isn't the los- WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! NOOOOOOO!

Greed was panic-stricken as he stared at Mustang, who was covered entirely with Bling It On crystals. Mustang stepped towards him in all his glory; it was as if the Sun God Leto himself had appeared before Greed. Blinded by the pimptastic glare, Greed scuttled into a corner and covered his head.

Greed: No! Don't come any closer! Please! Just...just take the women! I swear I won't ever bother you again! The title of Supreme Pimp is yours!

Mustang smiled, knowing that he had achieved what was once thought to be unobtainable. He beckoned to the women, and like moths to a flame, they gathered around him. Yes. He had discovered his purpose. He stepped outside and gazed at the sky, a single tear streaming down his cheek.

Mustang: I did it, Mother…I did it.

Mustang's thoughts were cut short as a rock fell from the skies and struck him on the head. The world faded to black…

* * *

Envy struggled to remove Wrath from his leg, to no avail. He had tried everything, from tickling to beating him over the head with a croquet mallet. Envy decided enough was enough…he would cave in to the fool's demands and take him to Sloth. He still was cautious, for at any time, Mustang or one of his minions could ambush him. He came to a clearing, where, to his great surprise, was the location of Hohenheim. 

Envy: YOU?

Hohenheim: Ah, hello there Envy. Lovely out, isn't it?

Envy: Yes, but that's besides the point! I've been searching for you this whole time, and now I've found you!

Envy rushed up to Hohenheim. Hohenheim flinched and prepared himself for the inevitable…only to be met with a hug.

Envy: Daddy!

Hohenheim: Uh…I thought you wanted to kill me and rip out my spleen…

Envy: No! That's just something I told the others so they'd think I was a badass or something! The reason I've made such a deal about finding you is because…well…I just wanted to have someone love me.

Hohenheim: Well…I'm…sorry for not being there for you. Can you ever forgive me?

Envy: You're my father, how could I not? And now I have the sudden urge to go bond with you! Let's go bowling, Dad!

Happy music plays for a while as Envy and his father walk off into the sunset together. The music suddenly stops as the page is ripped off by Envy.

Envy: WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL THAT?

Author: What was what?

Envy: THAT…THAT UTTER CRAP WITH ME, AND HIM, AND BOWLING!

Author: Uh…a twist?

Envy: OH A TWIST? I'LL TWIST YOUR FREAKING NECK, HOW'S THAT FOR A TWIST?

Author: Fine, I'll fix it.

Continuing on from before Hohenheim appeared…

He still was cautious, for at any time, Mustang or one of his minions could ambush him. Envy escaped to the forest where he bounded from tree to tree as they floated down the rivers of the British Columbia! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots Pine! AND HE'D SING! SING! SING!

Envy: Oh, I'm a Homunculus and I'm ok  
I sleep all night and I work all day!

I cut down trees, I chase mortals, I like to crush their spines!  
I've been around for ages, at least since 1849!

Oh, I'm a Homunculus and I'm ok  
I sleep all night and I work all day!

I cut down trees, I wear short shorts, my groin feels every gust!  
And even more disturbing – I've got nicer legs than Lust!

Oh, I'm a Homunculus and I'm ok  
I sleep all night and I work all day!

I cut down trees, I dye my hair, I sound just like a girl!  
I put on a miniskirt, cause I'm insecure as hell!

Envy: OK, CUT IT OUT! THIS IS MAKING ME SICK! NOW GIVE ME A DECENT ENDING OR ELSE!

Author: FINE, JUST BE AN ASS!

Envy: I will, thank you.

Continuing on from before Hohenheim appeared…again…

He still was cautious, for at any time, Mustang or one of his minions could ambush him. He finally got to Dante's mansion, where he was safe from the fangirls and Mustang. He killed lots of people and was given a boring ass ending.

Envy: HEY WHAT? I SHOULD BE GIVEN AN EXCITING ENDING LIKE ME BLOWING THE WORLD UP OR SOM-

* * *

Ed and Al frantically searched for Envy. If they didn't find him, the colonel would be furious! 

Ed: Dammit Al, the colonel's gonna bitch at me about this! "Oh, you couldn't find him? Maybe if you were taller, you'd be able to spot him! But I suppose you can't lean your head that far back to look up for him, so I'm just going to let you off with a warning this time." Oh boy, won't THAT be fun!

Al: Calm down, Nii-san, it's not that bad…

Ed: hold on, my cell phone is ringing.

Al: Cell phone? Where'd you get one of those? They don't even exist!

Ed: (hangs up) Damn, we're to report to Central. I bet that bastard is already preparing his speech…

Mustang lay on the bad, his head wrapped in gauze. Ed and Al burst through the door, only to be stopped by Hawkeye.

Hawkeye: Now, I want you two to be as patient as you can with the colonel. He was hit on the head with some object and is suffering from amnesia.

Ed and Al: What? Amnesia?

Hawkeye: He can't remember anything from the last two chapters, so try to beunderstanding with him.

Mustang: Where have you been, Fullmetal? I've been waiting for you to return so I could give you your mission! May I remind you that it is your duty to report in, and not just sit on your ass all day and do nothing! Now I want you two to go and get me some doughnuts.

Ed: What? DOUGHNUTS? Get your own friggin doughnuts, you old-

Mustang: THAT'S AN ORDER, FULLMETAL.

Ed: _THAT'S AN ORDER, FULLMETAL! BLAH BLAH BLAH!_

Ed slammed the door and stormed out of the infirmary. Mustang began to laugh as he rested his head on the pillow and dozed off to dream about things involving Riza and miniskirts and other things.

* * *

Somewhere, in a settlement camp in the South… 

Scar: It…it was horrible…my…my doughnut…I…WATCHED as it hit the ground…I could see the pain in its scrumptious soul…and I was HELPLESS.

Scar burst into tears as he bemoaned the fate of his deceased pastry, and was comforted by several other Ishbalans.

Scar: (to himself) _That alchemist shall pay…_

* * *

I need help formulating more ideas for chapter 3. I have a basic idea, and it will focus more on Mustang and Hawkeye. But I need ideas for filling it up.

Thanks to those of you who reviewed before the original was deleted/lost/killed/flung off cliff, your reviews are (well, were) appreciated!


	3. Over there! A BEAN!

Happy Happy Joy Joy, it's Chapter 3, after like...forever.

I don't own FMA or anything else that appears in this. You'd think that the fact that FMA is someone else's would be common knowledge by now

On with the crap :D

* * *

Mustang reclined in his hospital bed, waiting for the two boys to get back from their mission. His stomach growled in discontent.

Mustang: Lieutenant.

Hawkeye: Yes, sir?

Mustang: My tummy hurts.

Hawkeye: That sounds like a personal problem, sir.

Mustang: Could you massage my tummy until I go to sleep? Pleeeeeease?

Hawkeye: I'd…really rather not, sir.

Mustang: Well too bad! It's your mission now.

Hawkeye: Sir, it seems that you've been making rather stupid missions for everyone lately. Are you sure you're alright?

Mustang: Well…actually…

Hawkeye: Yes? What is it, Colonel?

Mustang: ...actually…my tummy hurts.

Hawkeye: We've established that, sir. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to doing whatever I was doing beforehand.

Mustang: Which was…?

Hawkeye: …I forget. The author just dumped us in here without setting up any kind of beginning.

Mustang: I think you were rubbing my belly.

Hawkeye: ENOUGH, COLONEL!

Mustang: But I'm injured!

Hawkeye: You're going to be more than injured in a moment if you don't stop acting like an idiot, sir.

Mustang: You mean…you'll hop in bed with me?

Hawkeye: SIR! Please refrain from being such an immature-

Mustang: I'll give you a doughnut.

Hawkeye: Sir, you can't buy my love.

Mustang: I could have when you were back there with Greed.

Hawkeye: Well, I see you missed your golden opportunity.

At that point, Ed and Al bursted through the door.

Mustang: Ah, it's about time, Fullmetal. I was afraid you had gotten run over by a rampaging beetle.

Ed: Ah, shove it Colonel. We got your damned dougnuts.

Mustang: (rubbing his hands together) Excellent! Mission well done. You two are on your way to getting your Mustang Club badges!

Ed and Al did not hear this exciting new offer, however, as they had rushed out the door soon after giving the doughnuts to Mustang.

Hawkeye: Sir, I have had a change of heart. I would consider having sex with you if you gave me a doughnut.

Mustang: Hell no, get your own box.

Mustang opened the box, his face aglow. The he realized that something was horribly wrong. His eyes widened in terror as he saw what he was holding in his hands...

* * *

A sinister shadow lurked in the alleyway as the two alchemists exited the building. All that was left to do now was to wait...

Mysterious Shadow: Soon, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric...soon...

* * *

Envy: GUESS WHAT, LUST! GUESS WHAT!

Lust: Oh jolly, you've finally put on some pants?

Envy: Nope! My Scyther grew to level 82!

Lust: I told you once, and I'll tell you again, NOTHING beats my Tyranitar.

Envy: Yeah, whatever, you just keep thinkin' that. I'M WELL ON MY WAY TO BECOMING A POKEMON MASTER!

Just then, Gluttony came by and ate both their Gameboys, ending this stupid argument.

Envy: DAMN YOU GLUTTONY! Just for that, I'm making you watch HOUR UPON HOUR of Richard Simmons fitness videos!

Just then, Dante came in, in all her rotting hotness.

Dante: Stop bickering, all of you. I'm sending you on another mission.

Lust: Let me guess, another idiotic scheme like your last one?

Dante: Shut up! Raising badgers to sell for lunch meat was a BRILLIANT idea! It would have worked better if Wrath hadn't installed Bob Ross cassettes in them and set them all free while proclaiming they were his minions, though.

Envy: That made absolutely no sense.

Dante: Silence! All of you get to go down to the mall, and get jobs. And pick up some real clothes for Envy while you're at it. Oh, and some formaldehyde for me.

So, off they went on their merry ways.

Lust decided to give custom haircuts using her nails, an idea which was not ripped from a movie created by Tim Burton. Honestly.

Gluttony started his very own line of Mr. Fatass Head toys, which were very popular in the southern regions of Zimbabwe.

Greed, still in agony over his failure to dominate Mustang in the sport of Pimpdom, decided to go on a journey of self-discovery, got lost in the mountains near a tribe of sasquatch, and eventually wound up rooming with a hyper 6-breasted catgirl.

Wrath was put to work in a sweatshop, making thumbtacks and pipe cleaners for .08ths of a penny.

And Envy worked as a potted plant, providing aesthetic beauty to the mall's surroundings.

Dante: Excellent. Now all is going according to pla-WHO THE HELL LET THESE EMUS OUT OF THEIR PENS?

Wrath: Be free my friends! FREE! TO FAIRY VEARTH!!!! YAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cassette Recording: Now we're just gonna...paint a happy little tree here...

The soothing voice of Bob Ross faded out as they ran down the street, leading many people to have the urge to paint Happy Little Homonculi.

* * *

Ed and Al sat on the couch as Mustang paced back and forth.

Mustang: KRISPY KREME? HOW could you even THINK about getting me Krispy Kreme?

Ed had a smug expression plastered on his face as Mustang vented his anger.

Mustang: I've let you get away with wasting military funds on this stupid rock, let you roam freely, I've even paid for Alphonse's turtle waxings. But this time, Fullmetal, you've gone TOO FAR! I'm kicking you out of the military. As of now, you are hereby FIRED.

Ed and Al: DWAH OMG WTF?

Ed: YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I HAVE TO RETURN ME AND MY BROTHER BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL SELVES! HOW CAN WE DO THAT IF WE'RE NOT GETTING INSIDE INFO?

Mustang: That's none of my concern any more, Fullmetal...oh wait, I guess you're just plain ED now. Toodles!

Ed and Al are dragged outside by guards, kicking and screaming.

Ed: YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, COLONEL! I SWEAR TO YOU, I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE! REVENGE! I AM THE ULTIMATE LIFE FORM! MARIA! MARIAAAA! (Trails off into nothingness)

As Ed and Al grumpily walked outside and down the stairs, Mustang threw the glucose-covered pastries onto their heads.

Mustang: Well, Lieutenant, I suppose we'd better find someone to replace our old friend and his talking dumpster.

Hawkeye: Are you sure that was the wisest thing to do? I mean, the show IS named after him.

Mustang: Nonsense, Lieutenant. I already have someone in mind...

* * *

Ed: Dammit! I can't believe that stupid bastard Colonel!

Al: Calm down brother, I'm sure we'll be able to either convince him to give us our positions back or get new jobs at a McChimeras or somewhere.

Ed: But I don't WANT another job! Besides, how are we gonna afford the funding for our search for the Philosopher's Stone? Also, I left all my porn in my locker at Central Headquarters.

Al: I'd really rather not hear about that, Ed.

Ed: Ah, whatever. Oh yeah, while we're out of commission for a while, let's go visit Auntie Pinako and Winry. I'm sure they've missed us.

Al: Boy, will they be happy to see us, probably maybe sorta hopefully I think. Brother, how are-

Ed: Al, why are you calling me brother now when for the past 2 chapters you've called me Nii-san?

Al: Well Ed, you know those forums where all the posters use fragmented rapings of the Japanese language and thus swear they can speak it?

Ed: Yeah?

Al: They really pissed the author off and now he avoids using any mixings of 2 languages.

Ed: Oh, gotcha.

Al: Like I was saying, how are we going to catch a train back to Risembool? We have no money...

Ed and Al stared at Ed's open hand, which contained a grand total of an empty bubble gum wrapper, five dollars worth of "Mustang Bux", and a monkey pencil topper.

Ed: ):

Al: ):

Unbeknownst to the two brothers, a sinister figure creeped ever closer.

Mysterious Shadow: Well well, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric. Why such sad faces?

Ed: Oh no, it's Scar! And this time neither hand is being restrained by Dunkin' deliciousness!

Scar: This time, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward El-

Ed: Getting REALLY annoying with that

Scar: -ric, you won't escape...THIS time, I'll take your lives, as well as the Chaos Emeralds! I AM THE EGGMAN! THAT'S WHAT I-

Ed and Al stared at Scar as he busted out in fullblown hardcore stupidity.

Scar: -AM, I AM THE EGGMAN, I'VE GOT THE MASTER PLAN...

Ed (whispering to Al): I don't know whether to attack him while he's failing this hard or feel sorry for him...

Scar: Um, uh, actually you know what, forget the whole emerald thing, I'll just take your lives. HAVE AT YOU!

Scar lunged at the two brothers, missing Al entirely but grazing Ed on his beansproutish cheek. Ed tumbled backwards into an oncoming vehicle, driven by none other than Seta. Seta continued his four-wheelin' rampage of death and struck Scar, who went flying...directly into the open mouth of one Mr. Kimura.

Mr. Kimura: Ah. Say, want to go peeping with me?

Scar, petrified by the way the light reflected off of this unfamiliar man's glasses, stood quaking in fear. He was unsure of what this constantly gaping mouth could do, and the magnitude of Lazer it could emit, if any.

Mr. Kimura: A man of your status, I could use your help.

Scar: Wh-what do you mean?

Mr. Kimura: You see this wall? Beyond this evil barrier lies the thousand hawts of schoolgirls with wet bodies glistening in the sun...ah...the wet...glistening...all you need to do is destroy this wall and we may bask in the pool water, taking sips of-

By this time, Scar had busted an Usopp and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. There was no looking back, for he knew if he had stayed in the company of that man, grave consequences would be met.

Mr. Kimura: Ah. He's gone.

Tears welled to Mr. Kimura's eyes and streamed down his cheeks as he realized he had lost his only chance to frolic and cavort with swimsuit-clad vixens.

* * *

Al: Brother! Brother! Ed! EDWARD!

Ed sat up slowly, his head spinning. He slowly looked at his worried brother, then drifted back into unconciousness.

Al: Oh boy, I'd better take you someplace safe...Ed? ED!

* * *

Ed awoke to find himself in the familiar setting of his Aunt Pinako's house. Rather suddenly too, because the author didn't want to add another scene in between this one and the last, because that would interrupt the flow of the story. Also because the author was too lazy and he didn't feel like writing more today because he wanted to go home and play game and slack off and

Al: WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP WRITING ABOUT YOURSELF, YOU'RE AN AWFUL CHARACTER.

Hurt by Al's harsh words, the author left the fanfic, not seen again for the rest of this chapter.

Al: Ed, are you ok? Can you speak? How many faces do I have?

Pinako: Calm down, Alphonse. He's suffered a pretty bad blow for someone so small.

Ed: WTF WHO R U CALIN A BAEN U OLD HAG???9

Al: OH MY GOD, MY BROTHER'S BEEN POSSESSED BY SATAN!

Ed: U KNO AL U CAN SHUV IT, U GODAM NUB!1 N WHER THE HEL IS SUM WINRI HAWT WIHT BRESTS???

Pinako: By god, it seems like he's been turned into a noob! That blow on his head must have been rougher on his delicate mind than I thought!

Ed: IL SHO U FRAGIL U FUXXIN MIDGT BAEN CAEK

Pinako: Oh dear...anyway, to answer what I think Ed said, Winry will be back shortly... I hope. Hmm...I don't seem to recall her saying where she was going, now that I mention it...

Al: Wh-what are we going to do? Can he be cured? Will he be forever doomed to speak like an idiot? Can Ed and Al find out where Winry has gone? Find out next time! Same Bean-time, same Bean-channel!

Ed: STFU

* * *

Unbeknownst to Ed, Al, and even Pinako, Winry now sat in the Colonel's office. Winry was wearing a military shirt and an extremely short miniskirt, much to the delight of Mustang.

Mustang: Now, Winly, I've called-

Winly: Winry.

Mustang: What?

Winry: It's Winry. My name.

(Mustang checks something)

Mustang: I'm sorry, but the Hong Kong fansubs claim your name to be Winly, Wendy, Huinory, and Haingis. Winly is the easiest to pronounce, and that's what I'm going by. Here's your name tag!

Mustang slapped the name tag to Winly's ass, with a rather fetching "Mustang's Harem Girls" logo in the topright corner.

Mustang: Well Winly, welcome to the military. You don't have to be sent out to wars, you don't even have to be sent to a tiny cubicle and work. Just get in this room each day, strip down to your bra and miniskirt, or just the miniskirt, and dance for me. While I take pictures. There! You see, Lieutenant? Already she's infinitely more useful than that annoying bean Fullmetal.

Winly: Colonel, can I ask you something?

Mustang: Go ahead. But wiggle while you ask it. And call me Roy-kun.

Winly: (wiggling) Roy-kun, is it true that you murdered my parents?

Mustang: Yes. They were delicious. Report in tomorrow bright and early!

Winly walked out, pondering what Mustang could have possibly meant by this, and feeling invisible slaps on the butt by Mustang's constant gaze.

Hawkeye: Sir, now that that's over, you need to sign these papers on the Heissgart case, and file these reports about the incident in Lior, then you're due to make an appearance on Sesame Street.

Mustang: ...Please rephrase that last one in the form of something that I know didn't just escape your sensuous lips. I could have sworn you just said, "Sesame Street".

Hawkeye: I took the liberty of volunteering your name, sir. I believe it would establish a good reputation for the military if some of its senior officers were more apt to mingle with civilians.

Mustang's eye began to twitch.

Mustang: I didn't understand much of that sentence, as some of those words have more then 2 syllables, but I heard "volunteered". Please explain to me why you even thought I would enjoy anything remotely like that.

Hawkeye: Sir, some of the actors in Sesame Street are wearing skirts. You told me you were into that sort of thi-

Mustang: THEY'RE 8 YEARS OLD, YOU TWIT!

Hawkeye: The only other available position for voluntary community work was for measuring bust sizes for extras in movies, and that did not seem like something you would most likely enjoy doing, sir.

(twitch)

Mustang: SHUT UP! Shut up before I demote you! Wait, what position do you hold, anyway?

Hawkeye: Well sir, it depends on the size and type of the pole, and how far into the routine- I...I mean First Lieutenant, sir.

Mustang: Lieutenant, you wouldn't happen to be holding another part-time job, would you?

Hawkeye: S-sir, whatever gave you that idea?

Mustang: Well, when you brought up poles, only one thing could come to my mind.

Hawkeye: Wh-whatever do you mean, sir?

Mustang: ADMIT IT RIZA! YOU'VE BEEN GALLAVANTING OFF AND DOING CONSTRUCTION WORK ON YOUR SPARE TIME, HAVEN'T YOU!

Hawkeye: Wha...Yes sir, I'm ashamed of myself. (hangs head in shame)

Mustang: You digust me. Now get out of my office before I decide to confiscate your hardhat.

Hawkeye began to walk out, relieved that her superior was more of an idiot than she gave him credit for.

Mustang: Oh, and before you go, Lieutenant.

Hawkeye: Y-yes sir?

Mustang: Just how long have we been chasing this Scar character?

Hawkeye: About 2 years, 1 month, 18 days, 7 hours, 52 minutes and 18.1 seconds, to give a rough estimate, sir.

Mustang: And after all this time, why haven't we been able to formulate some sort of plan to take him down or lure him out into the open? More and more State Alchemists are being killed...

As Hawkeye began to walk out, Mustang sighed and leaned out the window, fingers rubbing his temples. He peered down to the steps below, where the Krispy Kreme box stared sadly up at him with its cholesterol infused eyes. Fixated on the confectionary box, Mustang began to think out loud.

Mustang: Isn't there ANYTHING we can d-

All of a sudden, wheels started turning in his mind.

Mustang: Lieutenant. LIEUTENANT! Get back in here!

Hawkeye: Yes, sir?

Mustang: I think I may have just formed an idea. Get in touch with as many newspapers as you can. Now listen closely...

* * *

EDTEHFULMETAL: HWO DO I GET SUM INUYASHA DVD RIPZ? CAN NE1 SEND THEM 2 ME PLZ LOL

ARLONGFISHMAN12: WRONG FORUM, U GODAM PEWMAN NUB LOL LOL PEWMANZ LOL

WOOTZisGR8EST: IM DA GR8EST U NUBS

ALRONGFISHMAN12: UR NOTHING BUT A PEWMAN NUB LOL PEWMAN

BatlcomandrGin: HAY DONT U B INSLUTIN DON KREG, HEL PWN AL THE SEEZ WUN DAYE!1

EDTEHFULMETAL: JEZ U GUYS AL I WUNT 2 KNO IS HWO 2 GET SUM FREE INUYASHA PLZ?

Gr8GodufSkyPeas: Good Me, this thread is now JUDGED. And all of you are permabanned.

This thread has been closed for the large amounts of stupidity it contained.

-Back to Home Forum

* * *

Scar ran down the alley, gasping for breath. His hand clabbered alongside the brick wall, supporting his exhausted body up by his fingertips.

Scar: Damn you, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric...next time...next time I swear I won't let you escape...

Overwhelmed by fatigue, Scar slid down to his hands and knees, crashing into both the ground and a deep sleep. He was awoken several hours later by the sound of a bicycle horn and also by the rolled up newspaper that had planted itself squarely in the middle of his face.

Scar: Ouch...Hey! The Ishbalan Times! Let's have a look at the comics. Wait...what's this?

Scar gripped the freshly printed Ishbalan Times and stared at the headline with intent fury.

Scar: So..."State Alchemists to hold biggest pastry convention yet"...Hmm...so many who have turned against God in one place...and not only that...

Scar's lip trembled with excitement. He could barely contain his glee as he realized he could kill two birds with one stone.

Scar: ...But more importantly...pastries...doughnuts...oh...oh yes...I can already feel the cream filled goodness crumbling on my lips...THE ALCHEMISTS SHALL PAY.

* * *

Well that was fun

More ideas please :(


End file.
